pansypoo's personal rant page.

i need to get out of my head, thinking about keith and the fucking boob tube is xmas this xmas that. and i can only do so much ebay or playing sheepshead.
too dark to clean. too cold. too sad. yeah yeah. you tragedy isn't the worst ever, but it still sucks.and it's my tragedy. keith made me happy and i keep having images of what could have been. and it will never be.
getting old SUCKS.

RANDOM FOUND BIT POST

hoping i will sleep, i waste a bit more time before i try and not think of what could have been.
i have been cleaning under my bed. which is a storage area. i sleep on an antique bed. no box spring. matress on this metal mesh thing. so i have about 8" at least. all my photo negatives. my slide boxes. took out lots of old magazines to get rid of. and what's this???
i actually found the last page of my high school cannibalism paper i did for english class. junior o senior year.

-ones to consume humans, the Hamatsa had to go through strict restrictions following the act, so it suggests punishment and penence for doing something sinful. In one case where cannibalism is started very young, they tell the children it is pig, so they will not reject it. obviously, since there are feelings of ambivalence, cannibalism is not a firmly ingrained desire as we might think, and cannibals are firmly converted, once converted.

well, if we taste like pig! heh, reminds me of the documentary i saw on the donner party. one dude REALLY liked the taste of humans.

of course i did bring up communion in my paper when i hit sublimation(wow, i did learned me a lot from that paper). as it was a lutheran HS and my teacher was a 50ish humorless woman, i only got a C. i still remember that i got the idea to do cannibalism because the title came to me in bed. IS CANNIBALISM INHERITED OR AN AQUIRED TASTE?
jeez, what did i have for dinner that night?

well, this should help me sleep.

well, need a break from emotional shit.

RANDOM ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA POST

ARAGO Francois Jean Dominique-french physicist/astronomer. also in government. he was responsible for ending slavery in french colonies and ended the use of flogging in the french navy.

ARBUTHNOT, John-1700's Dr. of snark

i did read 5 pages of ARCH
or 35 pages of ARCHAOLOGY as it covered anthropology as well. did look at illustrations and skimmed it, ooh, troglodytes-early term for neanderthals. DID NOT read ARCHITECHTURE pges 382-457 index took it to 475. finally covered mayan and aztec. but, not gonna read old school. covered lots of historic styled, greek to abyssinian ect.

AREOPAGUS- a greek HILL! 3 pages about a hill!!!

ARESON, Jon(Hans) poet and last ROMAN CATHOLIC bishop of iceland 1484-1550. he fought off Frederic III(danish king) switching to luthernism. he made war on the lutheran bishop. he was executed with TWO of his SONS!!! umm, pope Ratzi, why do you guys 'do' the celibacy shit again?

ARGENTINE REPUBLIC-did not read it much, skimmed some history and back then it was spelled Buenos Ayres.

DAY 4 part 4-

well, we got to my house about midnight.
i did not mention it, but, i felt tension in the car after a gas stop til we got to applebees. but it had cleared a after.

day 5. Keith had to go home. we were subdued. gave him direction to a different way home. got a better hug at back door as i was 3 steps higher. and it felt so empty to see his van go. he's gone again. gone.
but he called. i called. i wrote obsessively.

before i forget i will stick it here. the 2nd time i saw him at baraboo, i asked, 'are you a leg man or a breast man? oh, what an answer he gave. he said he was a face man.
it's not fucking fair. shit. my great-uncle's widow re-married at 80 this spring! and i can't even get the love of my life. not even for a year.

DAY 4-part 1

sunday was sunny. perfect day. keith's sales were great as usual. keith going off and bringing back dark grey rocks. i did the circuit i think. bought a few things. all in all a good show i think, but he did it more because he spent time in marquette as a young boy. helped him pack the few pots he had left. grabbed one more. or was it 2? after he loaded the van he took me for another drive through the park.

i forgot, on fri, he took me to an overlook spot. so pretty and awesome.

this time we stopped at another part. the north end. with a cliff to a sandy beach and i took some pictures and somehow he dropped down the 10 foot or so cliff to the sand. and explored and i took more pictures. wishing i could join him. thinking, next year he can help me down and up. -another fucking never dammit- but he was getting cell calls from his ex. his son was having his wisdom teeth out on monday or tues. one was impacted. ooh, that's not good. REALLY not good if you looked into the oral pathology book. mine, 3, came in straight like the rest of my teeth.
so, i told keith if he wanted, we could drive back tonight. we had checked out of the motel anyways. so we headed south. didn't get a chance to go to our family cottage or anything. big bummmer. he was rather quiet tho. we talked a little in van. but around 9ish, we gotta eat and pee.were gonna stop in green bay. i knew a great place. but we missed the turn off. next town. didn't find anything but a chili's and applebees. go to the applebees. it's pretty empty. keith walks in and the waitress says, gee, are you 7 and 1/2 feet? she was quite petite. humorous, for me. i bet he got tired of it decades ago. gotta pee first as does he. we order. and then we really talk. i have to explain why i was not so, forward or normal. i had never been a popular, semi-popular, or even noticed in high school. i am not a party person. i am a wallflower. i am not used to this, and, well, i have a health 'pre-existing condition' since i was 26. i just am unprepared for a 6'!!' chick magnet. and boy was he. but i was not jealous. because he had already shown, he liked me. me? ME??? still bemused. this god of a man liked me? me, who wasn't asked out in HS?

108 Bush weeks to go
108 more fucking Bush weeks to go
Gates is at the starting gate, will they surge?
07' is a coming, will we have a purge?
108? more Bush weeks to go

DAY 3-part 2 the weather has cleared up. ooh, keith finds a parking spot at bottom of steep hill. climb hill to restaurant. old bar, 1880's? very very neat. much to look at.

his parents are sooooo nice. as we eat and talk, i know i love them already. i miss my grandparents, but i really like them. i am afraid to get the fish. i am tiny and i always seem to get the biggest filet. get chicken, not bad. i hope i leave a good impression. i am sure i am a bit different.

at end of the dinner, his mom of course pulls out her camera. makes one of me and keith, one of us with his dad and i take one of the 3 of them. keith had warned me about this.

they go to their car and we go to keith's. we go for a drive to a beach he used to go to. very nice spot. i have my camera and take artsy pics, he runs up the beach and explores. i pick up trash and wait for sunset pics. it was so fucking pleasant.
go back to motel after sunset. more surfing the teevee. duck soup on saturday i think. we do stay up late.
i sleep better. so does he.

bad bad bad day. and they are right about absence making the heart fonder. i hadn't seen keith since last noveber and since i realised what i felt WAS love. and it increased to passion for him alone.
i know he loved me, but it was so comfortable. it felt so right, maybe it decieved me. in my mind i knew i should love him. he didn't have bad breath, no BO. he smelled good. i am cursed with a very sensative nose, heck, sensative everything. rarely did i not feel comfortable with him. companionable. it was always so right. i didn't care about him being SO tall, i didn't care about his age, didn't care about his not straight teeth. didn't even care he slurped his coffee, didn't even care that he was sensative to depressive, it HAD to be. it was going to happen this summer. he would know i felt as much for him as for me. he didn't have to worry i was sincere. and now that has been taken away and i don't know how i can find another brass ring as brilliant as he was.
shit. he wasn't into porn. strip joints appaled him. where do you find someone old-fashioned, yet modern? who's sweet, nice and everything he was? like that and like me as well?
i'm so afraid i won't ever find a companion to compare.
and i had been looking so forward to being his companion. and now i am left, full of all this love and nobody to give it to.
and i know his parents are hurting just as much.
and i want to send him more love letters and more cookies and i want to see him. and it's driving me mad. not better. and now george will can make fun of my stupid blog and my pitiful romance and my fucking wallowing.
but keith was my everything.
and i want my KHARMA.

pardon this. but i had to put it somewhere. maybe it will make me feel better.

DAY #3-saterday, part 1

keith got us up, i was sort of up. he takes a shower. watching the weather channel, doing my fangs, wash hair in sink, wash face.
big glob of green headed towards marquette. maybe it will slow.
keith gets out, dresses and plays with his hair. oh, he is particular about his hair. soooo 70's! but i find it adorable. it amuses me. i wash my hair. that's it. but i am blessed with great hair. actually so is he, but, he liked to play with it.

go to lobby to grab their free coffee and an apple. drive to show. he drops me off and i start unwrapping his pots while he parks. ooh, to see his pots before the selling. to see them all!!!, i snag 2. claim them! and boy, so cheap. my 'payment' if you will. he payed that horrid woman $100 at madison. i woulda done it for pots or art.

all set up. of course he makes sales immediately. i sit in my pink chair. one of those folding round chairs. i finally have a chair i can sit crosslegged in! a bit latter his parents arrive. his father has a back problem and from surgery, he can't stand straight to his 6'8". needs a walker, but is quite mobile. his mom is tall too.
they are very nice. i like them.

i had been reading one of the orations book and his father asked about it, i go over and show it to him. did i mention how pretty they are? 'art newvo'decorated cloth cover, but small.
his father is very smart. had run the des moines schools or something. high up in schools tho.

after a while they leave. more sales. no WHAD ya' know on the marquette NPR stations. oh well. more sales, keith comes and goes. keeps eye on big bank of dark clouds moviing closer.

then the rain starts. slow, but thunder. where is my unbrella??? forgot umbrella. i go sit under a tree and watch the lightning. i do enjoy thunderstorms. some teenagers are loving the rain, playing frizbee among the trees. there is a big gazebo up the hill. at first i think, that could be a disaster story. 20 killed when lightning hits gazebo. but eventually i go up there and keith joins me. we stay there a while, before i stand next to him. the weather is gonna suck for a long while we are sure. i have gone through days like it, as has he. so we pack up his pots, he goes to get van and i walk through puddles to the end of the road he is taking. ooh, the puddles are warm and the rest of my body cold. i get there first and watch everybody leaving the park. get into the van when it comes. shit. my windbreaker is NOT waterproof. sweatshirt under the jacket is wet. take it off and grab my new 'hoodie'. well, we are hungry, so we go to the family restaurant next to the super 8. keith gets pea soup. GREEN pea soup, ick. i get hash browns. ooh were they good! ate the whole huge plate. keith tries some, orders more hash browns and we almost finish it, and it is another pleasant 'date'. a very nice time.

we will be meeting his parents for dinner later at this cool bar/restaurant in marquette, so we go to motel til then. i get warm under the covers and listen to all things considered and i think he napped or rested.

then got to get ready for dinner. it is up nort (spelling intentional), so i am prepared, i have a mohair cardigan. and i get to wear one of my vintage necklaces.