Saturday, August 25, 2012
The reason they break both arms and legs is to discourage the deceased from “pleasuring himself or herself” in the afterlife. It may sound a little strange to us, but according to sock monkey religion, if you want to call it that, the afterlife is very much like a never-ending Perry Como concert. There is nothing pleasurable about it, and it lasts for all eternity. There is nothing to drink, and all they are allowed to eat is green Jell-O molded in the shape of , , , well, I can’t mention it here, but inside the long, jiggling mold is a mixture of rotten banana slices, shredded carrots and creamed peas.
Now listen! I’m not making this up. It is exactly how two of their Grand Cilantros related it to me. (There are several levels of “Cilantros” among the sock monkey, but we don’t have time in this listing. Maybe later. It is widely known, and I’m not bragging, just giving you the facts, that I am likely the most knowledgeable person alive* when it comes to sock monkey lore, religion, tradition, hobbies and sexual behavior. I’ve been asked to write a series of papers for publication in the Harvardville College Review.)
* Some say “ever born,” but, ah-shucks, I’ll let others determine whether that’s true or not.
