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Saturday, August 25, 2012










not one i went to. too far. but just looking at that huge tureen/punch bowl is sad. 
 many decades ago, somebody fell in love w/ it and was lovingly passed on and now, somebody doesn't care to keep it,  or nobody. sigh. where is MY stuff gonna go? ebay i guess.


antique 1800's GLASS STRAW JAR w/ female head w/ PICKLED SOCK MONKEY- $114

Only recently was I told this early piece of American glass is a straw jar. For all the years we’ve owned it, the two of us have called it “that tall jar with the woman on top.” We’ve not used it much at all, out of respect for its age. Had my dear spouse, She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed, not spilled angel hair pasta all over the kitchen floor a couple days ago, we’d have never known it had been stolen, but more on that in a jiffy. 

The top of the jar has some roughness but nothing serious. The lid, on the other hand, has some genuine chips. Since I’ve mention “chips,” this is as good a place as any for my confession. I’m not actually selling “pickled sock monkey with chips.” Even though it sounds tasty, anyone with any book-learning whatsoever knows sock monkey meat is deadly poisonous unless you know exactly how to clean them. What I’m selling with the jar is actually a very old sock monkey whose body had been put in the jar in preparation for a traditional sock monkey burial.


If you think that’s funny, it’s obvious to me that you’ve never experienced a serious sock monkey infestation. We have, and it’s nothing to laugh about. (We've all had the crabs, right? Well, it's kinda like that except they're all over your house.) It took us nearly four years to get rid of them, and we’d been sock monkey free for going on two years . . . at least we thought we were. I heard my wife let out a string of cusswords when she dropped that angel hair pasta, and I instinctively knew what was coming next. Sure enough, she yelled out; “Hey, old man! Bring me that tall jar with the woman on top.”
I looked up at the top shelf in my little eBay dungeon where I usually keep it, and it was gone. All the blood rushed to wherever blood goes when one is terrified, and I had to sit back down or fall over. I knew they were back. Sock monkeys are despicable creatures, and . .

. . . and usually the first indication your home may be infested is you begin noticing things are missing. Fortunately, I knew approximately where to look. Sure enough, it was out behind the henhouse, a spot I knew to be a sacred burial ground used by the family of SM’s we thought we’d killed off.


I brought it back inside and cleaned it up – as seen above.
It looked nothing like that when I retrieved it, but I’ll show you those photos in a minute. (Sorry. I’m still choked up about this whole thing. I’ll be fine in a few days, but right now I'm apt to burst into tears at the least little thing. I'm hard as a rock on the outside, but I'm a very sensitive person at heart. Think of an elderly, "thick boned" man with leathery skin and all the emotional stability of a teenage girl.)

As you can see above, both of the elderly sock monkey’s arms and both legs are broken, which is proof positive that he was a member of a SM family from East Nanzkeepoo (the “z” is silent). They are the only species of SM who do that. One old male sock monkey explained the tradition while the two of us were sitting in front of our fireplace one evening. I remember it well because I was reading the latest edition of Le Monde, and he was reading Night by Elie Wiesel, a heart-rending story, and that monkey sat there laughing so hard, tears ran down his cheeks. They are truly vile creatures. I can't stress that enough. They are also thieves, but fortunately most species are herbivores, or, as they prefer, vegetarians, and although they’ve been known to kill for amusement or sport, normally your pets are safe. It’s not that they love your pets; they don’t. It’s simply because killing Puffy or Sport might draw attention to their presence.


The reason they break both arms and legs is to discourage the deceased from “pleasuring himself or herself” in the afterlife. It may sound a little strange to us, but according to sock monkey religion, if you want to call it that, the afterlife is very much like a never-ending Perry Como concert. There is nothing pleasurable about it, and it lasts for all eternity. There is nothing to drink, and all they are allowed to eat is green Jell-O molded in the shape of , , , well, I can’t mention it here, but inside the long, jiggling mold is a mixture of rotten banana slices, shredded carrots and creamed peas.
Now listen! I’m not making this up. It is exactly how two of their Grand Cilantros related it to me. (There are several levels of “Cilantros” among the sock monkey, but we don’t have time in this listing. Maybe later. It is widely known, and I’m not bragging, just giving you the facts, that I am likely the most knowledgeable person alivewhen it comes to sock monkey lore, religion, tradition, hobbies and sexual behavior. I’ve been asked to write a series of papers for publication in the Harvardville College Review.)
* Some say “ever born,” but, ah-shucks, I’ll let others determine whether that’s true or not.

The first things I noticed were the marbles. They had stolen two of my clay marbles to bury with the old SM who’d died. Actually, come to think of it, that is not the first thing I noticed that made me certain we “had sock monkeys” again. Remember the photo of the burial site I showed you? Well, had I been a little quicker with my camera, you’d have seen two of them darting off into the weeds when I walked up.


Nothing, by the way, is included in this sale except the jar, the lid and the dead sock monkey. I retrieved the things they’d stolen from me, and they are not for sale. I hadn’t missed the Agnew button, but that’s just like a sock monkey – stealing an Agnew button.
During our previous infestation, two of them explained the burial ritual to us, and it is quite complex. I’ll give them one thing: They’re relatively smart, and most are fluent in English, French and Farsi, not mention their native tongue, which has a name but can’t be pronounced by humans since we only have one set of vocal cords. Sock monkeys have two, and they can use them separately or in tandem. If used in tandem, normally when terrified of something (such as me sticking a paring knife in one's belly), the sound, although mostly outside the range of human hearing, has been known to produce widespread power outages.

But back to the traditional burial ceremony: The two of them, one named Ned, the other went by “Skeeter,” first told us how their ancestors had instructed the ancient Egyptians in "how to properly prepare a body for the afterlife." (Another thing you should know about sock monkeys is that they are all liars – every adult male, every adult female, and every “nit,” which is what they call their offspring until they reach puberty at about age three, will lie about anything just for the fun of it. They see nothing immoral about it. They even revel in a lie, especially if it causes physical or emotional harm to another being.)

I’m not telling you what to do. It’s none of my bee’s wax. But as a word of caution, you can take the monkey out of the jar when it arrives if you wish. However, I suggest you put it back in and seal the jar with either a strong glue or baling wire because it isn’t uncommon for them to come back to life.
Sock monkeys have no written dogma. They can write but refuse. However, if you listen to a recitation of their oral history, which I have upon many occasions, most “River” sock monkeys, as opposed to the “Mountain-dwelling” sock monkeys of Northern East Nanzkeepoo, believe “The Ancients,” as they call them, taught the art of coming back from the dead to certain North American marsupials and it is still practiced by them even today - as a defense mechanism.

I gotta go.
Thanks for waiting. I went, and now I’m back. I’ll tell you what. I was about to pop my bladder.

Q: Do you have any more, sans bric a brac? I have a tribe that needs new members. They reside in Colorado at 8500ft in the lower level of my house. They have a great view of the Gore Range. Most of them are on a 4 foot fake tree, but three prefer to lounge on a conference table. They are a little tired of looking at elk, deer, and bears. The foxes have moved away down the valley. Do you have any funny ones? They have heard all each others' jokes and are bored to tears. When I go back I might have to read to them. Curious George and Babar are their favorites.Aug-18-12
A: There are a few around here, but I've been on a monkey hunt for three days. Bagged six this morning. Our infestation is mostly "River sock monkeys." They can't live at high altitudes like the "Montain sock monkeys." However, they DO play a few musical instruments, reeds such as oboe mostly. They claim to have invented the concept of "three part harmony" long "before that Pan guy and his danged lute," they say. If you win the auction and the SM gets loose in your house, for heaven's sake don't corner him.
Q: Hi from the Arizona faction, I am laughing so hard I can't see the chips. How many and where are they exactly? AND Iam seriously concerned about the number of people who bid on your ripped up, torn, dirty pic. But good for you for selling yet another item. Wow, I must get myself selling on EBAY. I just never take the time to start. Surely I have a number of old icky items I should just send to you, to watch the fun.O.K. I am going to look up sock monkey history. I actually have one that talks! He is sitting in my antique booth awaiting a new family. Seriously, Donna P.S. love the jarAug-18-12
A: Just for you, I added a big picture of the lid at the bottom of the listing. Columbus jars get chipped - a fact of life as true as the fact that Armadillos are born dead along highways in the south. However the robust CHIP is nothing a little glue, glitter and duct tape can't fix so's you don't cut yourself. There's nothing hurts more than a cut AND a sock money bite both on the same hand. Thanks, I think . . . Dennis of 341: "WHERE QUALITY AND SERVICE ARE JUST WORDS WE LIKE TO USE."
Q: All the world knows that you've made a ton of money selling your incredibly fabulous items here on eBay ~ one can only speculate how much MORE you'd make if you were selling whatever it was that you were smoking when you wrote this...... TinaAug-14-12
A: I gave all that up mostly, a few years ago. However, if you were once a really dedicated enthusiast, your brain can run on residue for several years, even without a booster shot.




FRANCE....... this a blow to the guises, they had their hands on their rivals, + would have got rid of them in a few days; they planned tp crush the south + put down the huguenots by marshal law; the queen mother was powerless. now all was shattered; catherine de medici rose to command of affairs; the new king charles IX was 10, + her position as regent assured. the guises would have gladlt ruled w/ her, but she NO WANT!; she had l' hopital, were not likely to ally w/ them. the 2 made truce for a while; the queen-ma drew towards easy-tempered antony of navarre; the guises still had power; conde set free, the extreme measures proposed by the huguenots, who wished the king of navarre, seized the regency for himself, were not regarded w/ any favor. while the guises had been omnipotent, the discontented parties excluded by them from power + office were held together by the bonds of a common adversity; the change of affairs loosed their friendship + they split into 3 groups-the princes of the blood; w/ the queen ma, the constable anne of montmorency, + his catholic friends; + the 3rd, the huguenot nobles + cities of the south + west. the princes of the blood, thru antony of navarre, had close connexions w/ the huguenots; + when queen ma had secured him, she doubtless deemed she could neutralize their influence. she therefore set to secure the anne of montmorency party + created a 'triumvirate' in which to rule france + check the guises. her aims for tranquility.
now it was that mary stewart, the queen dowager was compelled to leave for scotland. her departure clearly marks the fall of the guises, + it also showed philip of spain that is was no longer necessary for him to refuse aid + council to the guises. their claims were no longer formidable to him; no longer could mary stewart dream of wearing the triple crowns of Scotland, england, + france.


blinding with knife tip. germany 16th c.


trans siberia





1953 chevy bel air


seller did not know these are called open salts.


i did not go to this one. that cat is nice, but too far










Friday, August 24, 2012






i stuck my camera out the window for these kinds of pics.


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